Insonia

I should be asleep... And I could if I wanted. The big deal is... I don't. I am quite aware that if I would go to bed in this very moment, I'd sleep. But I am not going to. And I am here, writting, pretty much because I don't want to do anything else. Including sleep. So here it goes. The day started very well. I even had lunch at home today. Things went bad at work for some reason... I am kinda melancolic now. I left work on time (almost... 2 hours late), came home, watched TV, scanned my babies pictures (his site should be updated anytime now... I hope, as I have about 300 more pictures...), talked on the phone. Then I sat. I only sat. I sat and watched. The blank. The nothing. When I watch the nothing I think I am pretty much trying to figure how did I get there, to that moment. I discovered I am not resting. At all. This 5 minutes that I spent staring at the wall make up the longest time I spent with myself in the last 6 months, I think. It's always like Home-Work-Home-Sleep-Work-Home-Baby-Sleep-Baby-Work-Home-Friends-Home-Work(no sleep!). Again, just like my lack of will to sleep now, I lack the need to stop. I don't stop. I feel like I am wasting time. I am sleeping less and less and I even find it nice because the time I am spending sleeping is being lost. It's spent not invested, if you know what I mean. So I think I will research something to make me stop sleeping once for all. Or maybe connect my brain to some computer to keep it running. Besides, this body sometimes feels so heavy and inadequate that I'd gratefully get rid of it. I feel a deep need for an answer, but I feel I got a little tired today. I don't even know the question ("It's the question that drives us, Neo!")... I feel we are all wasting time in the end. Where to go? Why? I go to work, build one thousand different new gizmos to do one million different tasks. At some point I get replaced and so will my creations. The people I fed this month with the volunteer work I do monthly on the streets are very probably hungry again in this very instant. My son will probably get into bad companies when he grows up (and that is one of the things I fear the most), besides all the love I give to him. The house I built with my ex-wife is gone. It's hers now. Some friends I don't see anymore. Some flew to other contries, other to other neighborhoods, others to other friends. People tend to do not value their most valuable things, including their friends. To name some I don't see anymore (just names no scale): Tiago, Mariane, Luciana, Jade, Luciana, Geninho, Kika, Cris, Sabrina, Eveline, Diogo, Tati, and the list goes on and on. I was happy to be able to see again Janaina, Mauricio, Marcelo, Fabio, and some other friends recently, still, will we keep in touch? And most of all, soon, I will die. Just like you. So why? I have been questioning myself. Very soon I will be able to confront my beliefs with an unquestionable proof. Soon enough I will be checking the truth behind my faith and validating my beliefs in survival and life outside the flesh. Happy as I will be, my questions will remain questioning. And some of my doubts will increase. As I pay so much atention to what interests me, many of of my questons remain unanswered. I get a feeling somebody is trying to hide me something extremely bad or good. But I feel that it is worse than better. Are we in hell? Would anyone enlighten me? Try to bring me peace to mind. Please? When you try to do so, please try to explain me why so much suffering for so many centuries. So much cry, so many crimes. So much dishonor, so many suicides. So much hunger, so much food. So much with ones and so little with the others. At some point I hate all of you. And all of me, for being part of you. People are so stupid, besides being so evil. People spend a life living like animals, acting on instict and then fear hell, with material pain. People live a life of suffering, lies, no inteligence and then fear material pain. Please... And the other people leave their lifes so well, with so much food, so much richness. Those can only fear material pain. They know no other. I'd slap you all if I could. Good thing I have to sleep. I have said it before we are going to hell. Better than that. We are in it. Do you still doubt it? Where else one takes from a child's to enrich more? Where else all the other stare and do nothing? Watch out the world largest nations. They do nothing. Where else lawyers defend money and interst instead of justice. They were named by the majority to defend the common rights of all not of some. Where else people kill and slay each other? Where else people like the killing? Where else people hate each other because of color or belief? I can't even walk on the streets of my own neighborhood without looking over my shoulder once or twice per block. I can be killed, robbed, raped... This is hell. And we call for it. We deserve it. When I finally get the chance to meet a superior being, I will ask what the hell they were planning when they left all this psychos together. Yesterday I cried for that girl who killed her parents. For that girl, understood? Not for the parents. They are dead. They are gone. To a better place if they deserved. But her... God help her. She has just started a life of suffering. She has no idea where she got herself into. I know I got myself into a terrible little planet. Hopefully my son will not kill me. I do love him unconditionally. I love him a lot. But what if. What if he is a bad person (he still looks good to me!) What if he gets confused with his friends? What if he kills for love, or passion, like the girl? What if? That's why I try to keep myself out. Out from most of the evil I can. I try not to do bad things. Not to contribute to this terrible terrible evilness I live in. I try to think on the best. On the common interest. I try to find a common ground. I pity the junkies, the robbers, the rappers, the politics, the people that don't care. As much as I fear them. Many times I feel like shoutting to their faces. "Are you stupid?" "This will kill you!" "This is not right!" "This in not fare!" But people smoke, lie, do drugs, rob, take for themselves. I try to keep myself away. I try not to shout. And it's sooooooo hard. Still I have plenty of reasons to be happy. My son is the biggest, even though he is taken from me, whenever felt like. Still, I can eat, think, see, hear, walk, touch. And most of all, I can help. But I am going to hell... With all of you.